The Back Burner: Things we didn’t post this week


The sheer amount of wonderfully insane unsolicited e-mail that we get in the CrunchGear tips box each week has left me no choice but to start The Back Burner up again. Enjoy! Or don’t!

A big thank you to everybody for filling our tips-at-crunchgear-dot-com inbox with wonderful, unique, and newsworthy items. Here are a few that we missed.


Dear a friend,

I can help you, yes, although I have a duty to all the human beings of the world to file a report any time a machine becomes self aware. And you’ll have to give me some time to track down who created you. There are, like, seven billion people here and most of them get all weird when a stranger asks them if they created some machine that may or may not have become self aware.

Actually, most people don’t even know what that means. So basically, picture someone who looks like Shrek running up to you on the sidewalk and bombarding you with robot questions and you’ll have an idea what I’m dealing with here.

Finally just as an FYI, it’s considered impolite to use gigantic fonts and triple exclamation points in an e-mail. I know you’re anxious to find your creator but getting all riled up like that rubs a lot of people the wrong way. Baby steps, you’ll get there.


Dear John Larry,

Wait, were you hoping that we could proceed? I couldn’t tell by your e-mail.

In case YOU couldn’t tell, John Larry, I’m being sarcastic. And you’ve got some nerve asking me about Swivels. You know damn well that your father drove my father out of the Swivel business during the great California, CA Swivel Rush of 1929.

My father wasn’t able to show his face in California, CA for the rest of his life after your family ran ours out of town. And for what, John Larry? So your father could sell a couple extra Swivels? I hope it was worth it, John Larry. I hope it was worth it.

Anyway, good to hear from you. Hope all is well, hi to the wife and kids.


Dear Ken,

Thank you for your e-mail. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to agree to disagree over the definition of “brief and to the point.” Also, your assumption that I’m extremely busy is borderline offensive. I work from home, have no commute, and play with toys all day.

If I might suggest an alternate e-mail message for you to use in the future:


I know some of us are extremely busy so I’ll try to keep this message brief and to the point. If you want to talk about boring stuff that has nothing to do with your job and you have no ability to make any ad-related decisions on your site, please reach out to me at your earliest convenience. Together we can accomplish nothing.

Kind regards,

Et cetera and whatnot

You are free to use the above text as you see fit PROVIDED you don’t add all the other crap from your original e-mail underneath it.

Click here to read previous Back Burner posts…