Advanced "Shotgunator" Theory Could Unify Booze, Chicks

In the ever evolving scientific pursuit of getting hot girls trashed as quickly as possible, the scienticians at the Institute of Alcohology have developed a converged device that is meant explicitly as a means of rapid imbibition that could signify a quantum leap in modern drunkeness.

While the theory of “shotgunning” a beer has been around since Einstein first published his famous “beer goggles” paper in Modern Drunkard, it’s been a minefield fraught with dangers such as the ingestion of unwanted bubbles and the threat of sharp aluminum (from the beverage’s casings). Finding a safe way to shotgun was thought of as impossible at the most, and impractical at the least.

Fortunately, James Beam, PhD has developed the Shotgunator system, which acts as a standard bottle opener and can opener as well as a revelutionary new “shotgun opener”. When the shotgun portal is established in the side of the aluminum vessel, and the traditional tab is lifted, the liquid inside is evacuated to the drinking facility within the user’s face, creating an easy-going, drunken state, without the cutting of fingers or lips, ideal for the mating ritual known as the “first date”.

Beam’s Team, from Drunksalot Labs, will next tackle the quandry known in scholarly circles as the “hangover paradox”, likely with more success. When Nobel Prize season comes around, fellow enthusiasts, look for mention of Beam and his Shotgunator in several categories.

Shotgunator [Thesis Page]